“Well, Welcome to This One.”

I love it when people have just the right things to say.  I also like it when something gets me right in the feels, for lack of a better word, and catches me off guard when they do.  I got that from one of my professors the other day, so I’d thought I’d share a little more about it with you.

It’s been a crazy few weeks since starting school, as I’m sure you’re well aware by my constant reminders.  But even with all the craziness, it’s been filled with some pretty great moments.  First off, everyone thinks that I’m 21…max!  I’m even being mistaken for a teenager, which makes me question some things, but I’ll still take it as a great compliment.  I’m finally starting to feel a little more comfortable, and that I may be someone who is on-par with this “art world” that I’ve flung myself in to.  Yes, I know I made it in to MICA, and that should be reassurance enough, but it isn’t.  “They”, the powers that be at MICA, even send out emails, or did at least, to new students telling them just that — “don’t be scarred/intimidated/depressed/stressed/etc…you made it here, and that means a lot!”  When coming from the world of strict business attire,where the only creativity being expressed was that of craftily written procedure or performance review, it’s hard to see yourself amounting to anything creative.  No matter how bad I want to succeed at this, I’m essentially terrified.

When I think about where I came from, the life of banking, management, stress, abuse, and all things wrong in a corporate environment, I have two feelings that have stuck around: abandonment, and escape.  Pretty conflicting thoughts, don’t you think?  As if my feelings towards them weren’t complicated enough, they still continue to be, even almost a year and a half leaving.  I suppose some of the emotions you could equate to this would be depression, anxiety, PTSD, failure,….freedom and relief?  Like I said, it’s complicated.  I whole heartedly gave over 10 years of my life to this company, only to be targeted, bullied, and attacked.  And when I fell ill as a result of this, they didn’t care at all, and wanted nothing more to do with me.  Don’t get it twisted though, no matter how it may sound, I played the hand I was dealt the best I could, and ended up resigning.  Some what reluctantly, but still, it was my choice to leave — at least they didn’t get that satisfaction.  Either way, it was a heartbreaking change, even though at the same time I wanted to do something different with my  life.  I wanted to make it better, but I was terrified of failing.

But like I said, you have to play the cards you’re dealt, and my game had just changed.  So I decided, why not, apply for this school that I’ve been wanting to go to forever.  I was just about to finish up my associates degree, because I could only handle baby steps, and didn’t see myself making it this far.  Going to school, an art school, to get a Bachelor’s degree seemed unobtainable for me.  After getting in, it was then the financial aspects that had me burdened, because let’s face it, you can’t pay for the “ivy league of art schools” on a non-existent salary.  No one was excited about the news except a few, literally few, friends, so in trying to be realistic about it, I didn’t let myself get excited about it, or celebrate.  I’m 30, and just got my first college acceptance letter in the mail, I should be excited.  Oh, wait, except for the fact that I’ll be 30….in college…with teenagers — another issue of concern.  I convinced myself I was too old, and just needed to buckle down and get a “real job”.  Oh, and back to the no job thing, I had to move out of my apartment, my safe haven, my home….my life was falling apart when it should have been on the up and up.

So I decided not to go, and things got dark, really dark, and fast.  I started looking for banking jobs, admin jobs, anything office job like, and to no avail.  What was the end of an already incredibly depressed year, I was even worse for the wear.  Then a friend hired me to bake a cake and photograph her wedding, and another friend asked me to photograph her baby, and it felt great doing things that were artistic, and that I got paid for!  Imagine that.  I figured, as the deadline for the deposit was fast approaching, I’ll just take this money to pay for the deposit.  As irresponsible as it may be, and even though it’s most likely only delaying the inevitable, I’ll have a little more time to pretend that this is still an option.

In the mean while, I still looked for “normal” jobs, but also worked on art, this blog (yay), craft fairs, and school stuff — scheduling, talking to advisors, financial aid, and so on.  I had it all figured out, except how to pay for just a little bit of it.  So annoying.  With all the work I did, this little percentage of tuition that I couldn’t come up with was going to hold me back.  I begged family to help, co-sign, anything, but they resisted, insisting that I needed to get off this vacation mode and get my life back together.  I have to say, my family has an interesting perspective of what vacation is if my life was the model for it.  Then, out of the blue, my parents, though they were very clear that they disapproved of my idea/plan/decisions/everything, that they wanted me to be happy.  What?  Seriously?  I was dumbfounded, but took their help as quickly as possible.  Though I have to hear about it all the time now, I’m thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to give this a go, even if the future of it seems uncertain.

So then I’m finally there!  Orientation.  Oh my God….can I say that it was exponentially worse than I expected?  The school and facilities seemed nice, but the people — some of the other students are down right…..just, immature, and not good people, and incredibly filled with entitlement, and unappreciative.  It’s a little astounding, and overwhelming.  I felt like crying, and leaving, and never coming back, but I knew I couldn’t let these people, who really didn’t do anything to me except make my age difference become even more apparent, control what was going to be my outcome of going here.  So I did what I knew I would do, what I always do.  I worked.

It felt great to finally have something consume my life again.  While it was nice being away from work, it was pretty boring at times, even with all my little projects that I tried to fill my time with.  Not only that, but I actually started working again, and not at some terrible place that was irrelevant to what my goals were.  I’m busy again, and it’s a great feeling.  I’m successful in this busyness, which is even a better feeling.

Even though the feedback from some of these professors has been minimal, I have enough information to come to the conclusion that I have an A in each of my six, count ’em, six classes.  I would say yay, but I worked my ass off, and there is no yay for me when it comes to grades.  I either get all A’s and am contempt with it because it’s the only acceptable outcome, or I flirt with the line between A and B, and I’m really mad about it.  It’s about half way through the semester now, and I’ve received a couple of mid-term reviews, and hope to have a couple more.  They’ve been informal, and though email, so it’s nice to have the feed back, because not having it drives me crazy, but it’s also a little impersonal.  Lucky for me, I have one professor, my sculpture professor, who is very profession, and a great communicator.  He set up mid-term review meetings with each of us, and actually sat us down to talk about our progress, grades, and future expectations.  Now that gets a yay 🙂

So in that meeting, I heard some great things — I have an A+, something that he only gives out like once or twice a year.  How unexpected.  What else was unexpected was that he told me that I took to sculpture like “a fish to water”.  I have to say, out of all the classes I signed up for this semester, this was the one I was most apprehensive about.  I never work three-dimensionally, so this was all new for me, and in having such high expectations for my self and my grades, this was going to be a challenge.  We chatted a little more, and he got the point of saying that he could tell that I was very dedicated.  Of course — do you have any idea of what I had to go through to get here?! Of course not, I’m being irrational, and joking.  I did say, however, that yes, I’m incredibly dedicated to being here.  I went through hell with the life that I had before, and I’m never going back to that world.  And then he said it…”Well, welcome to this one”.  He went on to say, many more positive things, what expectations he had for me, and that he saw me doing great things, but that little sentence stuck out to me even more than that.  I know that with the grades I’m getting in the school that I’m now attending that I should have more confidence in my work.  It’s amazing to hear that he views me as an A+ student, a natural at this art, and that he, and incredibly successful artist in his own right, sees me being successful as well.  But that welcome, as silly as it may seem, hit me hard.  I’m here, I’m still in one piece, and I’m doing the thing that I’ve always wanted to do.  I’m doing the thing that I pushed out of my mind for the last 15 years of my life.  I’m doing something that will change my life.  It’s hard to believe, but I am.  I’m doing it.  It’s crazy.  Crazy good.  I don’t ever have to go back to that life now, not if I don’t want to.

At the end of all my rambling, I’ve included some photos of things that I’ve been working on for various classes – sculpture, digital photo, studio lighting, and EMAC, which is like a sampling of all this electronic and digital in the art making world. I didn’t include anything from my art history classes, cause I figured you probably wouldn’t appreciate having papers shoved in your face to read.  And it’s ok if you think some of these are a little wacky, cause to be honest, I do too, but I like them 🙂   And what I like even more, is that this is just the beginning of a change so grand that I can’t even imaging how great things will be when I finish.  I imagine a very tear-filled graduation on my part, but only happy tears.  So thanks for the welcome, and just so you know, there will never be a goodbye.

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Week 25: Diptych/Triptych

I’ve been looking forward to this week!  Mostly because some of my favorite photographs have been parts of diptychs and triptychs.  That’s the theme for this week: diptych, a set of two images, or triptych, a set of three images.

It’s funny, when I started going back to school a couple of years ago (agh, that’s weird to think about!), we were constantly working in series of images.  When I would think about my photography at the time, I would say that I just had a bunch of random images, and never really thought to work in groupings.  Admittedly, I also didn’t really want to work in groups or themes, and just wanted to continue my randomness of getting various different successful shots.  Now, I can’t seem to get away from it.  I mean, come on, you’ve seen my blog (hopefully — if not, then explore!), it’s like a struggle for me to only post one image when working through these themes and topics.  It seems like everything I do is in a group, and I have to say I miss the random good image that can just stand alone.  But back to topic, I’m still happy that I get to work like this again.

Aside from working pretty much consistently with groups of images through school, there were a couple of projects where I worked with diptychs and triptychs.  I didn’t realize it when I did it the frist time, but my very first project which consisted of the photograms that I did, I also had a single rose which I used, and produced an image, as well as an inverted image.  I loved the simplicity, as well as the ying and yang qualities they had, so I always placed the two together.  Later on, I was actually assigned a project where the goal was to come up with a set of two images (diptych! — which I still didn’t realize it was call that then).  The images were supposed to be either opposites, or around a related theme, so clearly, I went with the opposite theme.  When you’re not getting a glimpse into my nature photography and I’m working on a personal project, I work a lot with conflict and emotions; inner turmoil, regrets, and memories.

The “opposite project”, as my professor and I named it, were my favorite images.  That is, until the next semester, when I audited the class and got to do a whole bunch of fun, experimental things, like my double exposures.  During my first semester final, this girl appeared on that last day of class, images on the wall ready for critique, and I had no idea who she was.  Turns out she was auditing the class at that time, and was working on a much more flexible schedule.  She had completed some pretty interesting images, one of which was a double exposure.  The only thing I’m sad I missed out on was having a nude model in-class; apparently that was discontinued during the semester prior to my arrival.  This girl was lucky enough to have one, and completed a double exposure of abstracted model photographs and flowers.  The images really stuck with me, and I couldn’t wait for a chance to do something like that…eventhough it was the end of the semester, and I was clearly going to have to wait a good amount of time.  So when I got through my first two classes and got my first assignment of “the concept” during the audited class, I used that to my advantage.  “Just come up with a concept, something conceptual” was along the lines of what I was told, so of course, you know I struggled for a while with that broadness.  Finally, I had an idea, and there was a chance to do my double exposures.  Working with old photographs that my mother took during my childhood which I either used the existing negatives or photographed to create a new negative, along with new images in the same location of the childhood images, I created my “now and never again” project.  One part memories, one part remorse for how much things have changed, and a pinch of sadness, you know, to stay inline with my usual process, I worked for weeks to combine the two images seamlessly, and show how the happy memories from childhood are gone, the places have changed, and many of them are in poor condition.  Even though I created a set of five images, I selected three to be presented as a triptych (also, not knowing that was a thing.  I need to stop living under this rock apparently…).

So, while I’m constantly looking for new things to do as I work through this 52 week challenge, I think I’m going to stick with some of the themes I love working with as I complete these images.  Opposites are such a great thing, and can show a variety of concepts, thoughts, and struggles.  So enjoy my previous works while I think of some new ideas (and sorry, not the best quality scans on some of these)!

Now and Never Again

Conflicted Life and Death

Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto

So I know I mentioned that I may be doing something sentimental for the collage project this week, but I suppose I did something more along the lines of sentimental-ish.  I chose my cute little robot to take pictures of 🙂  Let me give you the back story….even though I don’t have the complete story myself.  I’m pretty sure that this used to belong to either my mom or my aunt, though I could be totally wrong, I know it had to have belonged to someone else before I got it.  Regardless, I can remember this little robot from when I was really little, so in my mind, it’s like the first toy I ever got.  Though I know that’s not true also, it’s the definitely the oldest one that I still have, and one of the earliest memories from my childhood.  It doesn’t hurt that he’s super cute, too.  So here’s a playful little collage of my dear little robot, that I’ve had forever, and who has survived many a move and managed to remain in one piece, and still work!  I had fun creating this homage to my little robot friend.  Wish I could have gotten closer with the details, but I guess he’ll just have to hang in there until I can get a macro lens, or until I figure out some other creative way to magnify things.  And a big thanks to collage.com for making things easy for me — if you’re ever looking to make a quick collage, that’s the way to go, especially since some of the other, more well-known sites that I tried, didn’t work/were a pain.

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